Now the triumphant return of our first weekly guest segment, Love Letters of Love, by Corey Chapman
Dear Mr. Tesh-
Enough is enough. You need to go away and you need to do it now. Its not that I don’t think you are a multi-talented superstar that has conquered almost every facet of the entertainment industry. It’s just, you are exposing me for the fraud I am: uncool.
Recently I sat at a traffic light waiting patiently for it to change to green. My three children were in the back preoccupied with Nintendo DS’ and Leapsters, and whatever else the under-10 kids do these days. A car full of teenagers pulled up next to me, and I could tell they were sizing up my ride. A race perhaps? Were they looking at the ghost of their future 20 years? Nonetheless I was intrigued. They were riding in what looked to be a beat up Beretta, and I knew my engine could easily smoke them in any Fast & Furious type drag race. I decided we are racing and that I was going to win!
The light had been red for what seemed to be an eternity. My right foot was itching to leave the break and punch the gas to quick victory. These pimple poppers had no idea what was coming. I had planned to yell something old and dated, like “eat my dust!” as I zoomed by. I imagined that as soon as we got home, my proud children would tell their mother that Daddy showed those kids who was boss!
And then it happened. Just as the light was to turn green, the commercial break from the adult contemporary station I was listening to ended and your seductive yet informative voice returned with “an update on empty calories, and 5 ways to save for your next family vacation.” I was dialed in. I completely forgot I was about to smoke Dominic Toretto and his crew. By the time I looked up, they were easily 100 yards ahead, and all I had to show for it was your advice to drink more water, and snack on rice cakes. I obeyed the city’s 30mph speed limit the rest of the way home.
That got me thinking John. You have been doing this to me for years. I can recall watching you co anchor “Entertainment Tonight” with Mary Hart. My friends would stare at her legs, while I would hang off of every question you had for the pop star de jour.
“Cor, did you see what Mary had on last night? Wow, she is always entertaining!”
“I didn’t notice. Tesh was on his game. He asked Paula Abdul what it was like working with MC Skat Cat.”
Or what about in the early 90’s, when NBC had the rights to the NBA? Who had to compose the theme music? Danny Elfman? John Williams? No. of course not. John Freaking Tesh! And because of that, I would NEVER miss the start of a playoff game, even if it featured the Bullets or the Cavaliers!
I guess what I am trying to say John, is that we are not good for each other. Sure, you are probably a great father, devoted husband to Connie Selleca, and super spokesman for AMWAY. But you have made me uncool for 20 years. We need a break. I need to rediscover me.
I hope you understand. And I hope we can still be friends. I will never forget those nights that I took the long way home from the local grocery store, you fading out of a Tears For Fears ballad into a factoid on how my sleep position is sabotaging my restful night.
Thanks John. Until we meet again…