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Archive for the ‘Love Letters of Love’ Category

Now the triumphant return of our first weekly guest segment, Love Letters of Love, by Corey Chapman

Dear Mr. Tesh-

Enough is enough. You need to go away and you need to do it now. Its not that I don’t think you are a multi-talented superstar that has conquered almost every facet of the entertainment industry. It’s just, you are exposing me for the fraud I am: uncool.

Recently I sat at a traffic light waiting patiently for it to change to green. My three children were in the back preoccupied with Nintendo DS’ and Leapsters, and whatever else the under-10 kids do these days. A car full of teenagers pulled up next to me, and I could tell they were sizing up my ride. A race perhaps? Were they looking at the ghost of their future 20 years? Nonetheless I was intrigued. They were riding in what looked to be a beat up Beretta, and I knew my engine could easily smoke them in any Fast & Furious type drag race. I decided we are racing and that I was going to win!

The light had been red for what seemed to be an eternity. My right foot was itching to leave the break and punch the gas to quick victory. These pimple poppers had no idea what was coming. I had planned to yell something old and dated, like “eat my dust!” as I zoomed by. I imagined that as soon as we got home, my proud children would tell their mother that Daddy showed those kids who was boss!

"I need some space." -Tesh's bicep to his shirt sleeve

And then it happened. Just as the light was to turn green, the commercial break from the adult contemporary station I was listening to ended and your seductive yet informative voice returned with “an update on empty calories, and 5 ways to save for your next family vacation.” I was dialed in. I completely forgot I was about to smoke Dominic Toretto and his crew. By the time I looked up, they were easily 100 yards ahead, and all I had to show for it was your advice to drink more water, and snack on rice cakes. I obeyed the city’s 30mph speed limit the rest of the way home.

That got me thinking John. You have been doing this to me for years. I can recall watching you co anchor “Entertainment Tonight” with Mary Hart. My friends would stare at her legs, while I would hang off of every question you had for the pop star de jour.

“Cor, did you see what Mary had on last night? Wow, she is always entertaining!”

“I didn’t notice. Tesh was on his game. He asked Paula Abdul what it was like working with MC Skat Cat.”

Or what about in the early 90’s, when NBC had the rights to the NBA? Who had to compose the theme music? Danny Elfman? John Williams? No. of course not. John Freaking Tesh! And because of that, I would NEVER miss the start of a playoff game, even if it featured the Bullets or the Cavaliers!

I guess what I am trying to say John, is that we are not good for each other. Sure, you are probably a great father, devoted husband to Connie Selleca, and super spokesman for AMWAY. But you have made me uncool for 20 years. We need a break. I need to rediscover me.

I hope you understand. And I hope we can still be friends. I will never forget those nights that I took the long way home from the local grocery store, you fading out of a Tears For Fears ballad into a factoid on how my sleep position is sabotaging my restful night.

Thanks John. Until we meet again…

 

Love,

Corey

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In the first of what will hopefully be multiple guest-writer debuts this week, the Upper Deck unveils a new recurring segment called “Love Letters of Love”. Author Corey Chapman gives us unprecedented access into the mind and heart of a fan, and a little celebrity advice for good measure. Enjoy.

Dear Mr. Eddie Murphy-

Hi! I hope you are well. My name is Corey and I am a huuuuuuge fan, from your early days on the small screen as a not ready for prime time player on “Saturday Night Live” to your break out theatrical performances in “Beverly Hills Cop” and “48 Hours”. Heck, I still quote your stand up specials “Delirious” and “Raw.” That bit you did about Elvis having to sing everything? Love it! But that’s not why I am writing you today. You already know (and probably get a TON of fan mail) about how amazing a career you have had. Pretty much everything you touch turns to gold! But there is one area where you didn’t go platinum…

This morning started out like any other typical corporate Monday morning. I was clock watching by 8:05, trying to come up with a to-do list for the weekend, still five days away. I picked up the phone to call my first customer of the week, totally expecting to be blown off, like so many times before. In my profession, it’s rare to have an upbeat, thought-provoking conversation with a customer on Monday morning. It’s like everyone can sense the vibe over the phone that we are collectively bummed out that the weekend is over and we are back to the daily grind.

I know what you are thinking Eddie, “Who are you and how did you get my home address?” and “Should I sign on to do Norbit 2?” Keep reading Eddie, this ends well.

So I ask for the decision maker, which in itself is code for “I am a salesman, I want to sell you something.” Immediately, I go somewhere I boldly go about 50 times a day: ON HOLD. But today was different. Instead of listening to adult contemporary hits of the 90s (who doesn’t love Roxette and Celine Dion?) or slow, mellow jazz (that I have fallen asleep too) I was given a treat. Your 1985 smash record “Party All The Time” started right up as if the Hold Music Gods knew I needed that pick me up to start the day.

ALL the time. It's relentless.

“Girl I can’t understand it why you want to hurt me

After all the things I’ve done for you

I buy you champagne and roses and diamonds on your finger-”

The toes are tapping! My smile shines in my tiny cubicle…

“Diamonds on your finger

Still you hang out all night

What am I to do?”

I am looking around the office, desperate for a coworker to ask why I am doing the cabbage patch in my ergonomically engineered swivel chair.

“My girl wants to party all the time

Party all the time

Party all the tiiiiiiime”

Your Rick James-produced anthem got my heart pumping, my body moving, and my brain focused. When the customer decided I had waited long enough, I diffused his case of the “Mun-days” and was able to sell him some of my wares. I am confident this would not have been the case if I was twiddling my thumbs to Jon Secada or Rusted Root. The energy your music provided me turned my Monday morning into a Friday afternoon!

So here is the meat of the message, Ed. May I call you Ed?

I think its time you record a new album! There I said it. I can’t be the first person to suggest this. Can I?

Yes, Rick James is dead, bitch. That reunion isn’t happening. But there are many producers out there that could spin your tales of lost love into chart topping hits. We could recruit the Black Eyed Peas to engineer a few dance tracks, dig up Babyface from wherever he has been hiding the last 10 years for a couple of power ballads, and maybe Trent Reznor could work his magic on a few industrial rock tracks. The possibilities are endless!

I can help work on the sales and marketing of the music. First, we get one of the songs on both your new album AND the soundtrack to your next movie. A little crossover action. Then, while out promoting the movie, we work it into the contract that when you guest on Conan, Leno, Letterman, The Today Show, etc. that you are also booked as the musical guest. And the weekend the movie comes out, you return to your roots at 30 Rockefeller Plaza to HOST & SING on Saturday Night Live! The movie opens number one, the album tops the iTunes charts and Eddie Murphy has reinvented himself!

Give it some thought. It might give you enough juice to get “Vampire in Brooklyn 2” made.

I have to go. I’m sitting on hold and REM’s “Everybody Hurts” just came on. Ugh, Monday mornings….

Love,

Corey

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