In the first of what will hopefully be multiple guest-writer debuts this week, the Upper Deck unveils a new recurring segment called “Love Letters of Love”. Author Corey Chapman gives us unprecedented access into the mind and heart of a fan, and a little celebrity advice for good measure. Enjoy.
Dear Mr. Eddie Murphy-
Hi! I hope you are well. My name is Corey and I am a huuuuuuge fan, from your early days on the small screen as a not ready for prime time player on “Saturday Night Live” to your break out theatrical performances in “Beverly Hills Cop” and “48 Hours”. Heck, I still quote your stand up specials “Delirious” and “Raw.” That bit you did about Elvis having to sing everything? Love it! But that’s not why I am writing you today. You already know (and probably get a TON of fan mail) about how amazing a career you have had. Pretty much everything you touch turns to gold! But there is one area where you didn’t go platinum…
This morning started out like any other typical corporate Monday morning. I was clock watching by 8:05, trying to come up with a to-do list for the weekend, still five days away. I picked up the phone to call my first customer of the week, totally expecting to be blown off, like so many times before. In my profession, it’s rare to have an upbeat, thought-provoking conversation with a customer on Monday morning. It’s like everyone can sense the vibe over the phone that we are collectively bummed out that the weekend is over and we are back to the daily grind.
I know what you are thinking Eddie, “Who are you and how did you get my home address?” and “Should I sign on to do Norbit 2?” Keep reading Eddie, this ends well.
So I ask for the decision maker, which in itself is code for “I am a salesman, I want to sell you something.” Immediately, I go somewhere I boldly go about 50 times a day: ON HOLD. But today was different. Instead of listening to adult contemporary hits of the 90s (who doesn’t love Roxette and Celine Dion?) or slow, mellow jazz (that I have fallen asleep too) I was given a treat. Your 1985 smash record “Party All The Time” started right up as if the Hold Music Gods knew I needed that pick me up to start the day.
ALL the time. It's relentless.
“Girl I can’t understand it why you want to hurt me
After all the things I’ve done for you
I buy you champagne and roses and diamonds on your finger-”
The toes are tapping! My smile shines in my tiny cubicle…
“Diamonds on your finger
Still you hang out all night
What am I to do?”
I am looking around the office, desperate for a coworker to ask why I am doing the cabbage patch in my ergonomically engineered swivel chair.
“My girl wants to party all the time
Party all the time
Party all the tiiiiiiime”
Your Rick James-produced anthem got my heart pumping, my body moving, and my brain focused. When the customer decided I had waited long enough, I diffused his case of the “Mun-days” and was able to sell him some of my wares. I am confident this would not have been the case if I was twiddling my thumbs to Jon Secada or Rusted Root. The energy your music provided me turned my Monday morning into a Friday afternoon!
So here is the meat of the message, Ed. May I call you Ed?
I think its time you record a new album! There I said it. I can’t be the first person to suggest this. Can I?
Yes, Rick James is dead, bitch. That reunion isn’t happening. But there are many producers out there that could spin your tales of lost love into chart topping hits. We could recruit the Black Eyed Peas to engineer a few dance tracks, dig up Babyface from wherever he has been hiding the last 10 years for a couple of power ballads, and maybe Trent Reznor could work his magic on a few industrial rock tracks. The possibilities are endless!
I can help work on the sales and marketing of the music. First, we get one of the songs on both your new album AND the soundtrack to your next movie. A little crossover action. Then, while out promoting the movie, we work it into the contract that when you guest on Conan, Leno, Letterman, The Today Show, etc. that you are also booked as the musical guest. And the weekend the movie comes out, you return to your roots at 30 Rockefeller Plaza to HOST & SING on Saturday Night Live! The movie opens number one, the album tops the iTunes charts and Eddie Murphy has reinvented himself!
Give it some thought. It might give you enough juice to get “Vampire in Brooklyn 2” made.
I have to go. I’m sitting on hold and REM’s “Everybody Hurts” just came on. Ugh, Monday mornings….
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